I'm so tired, I was going to sleep without writing anything for today, I don't want to drop any day, and I feel that I'm stressing myself with this challenge, but I want to do it and I push myself to do it.
It's the weekend, I'm thinking in how I turned to be a morning person after being an owl for a long time in my life, to just wake up early in that day at 8:00 am. This silence, and this smell of being home which something I don't like that much.
There's a mosque in front of our building, Friday speech is being the most horrible time, the one who says it has a very bad voice with a very bad microphone and all that I'm hearing is just shouting and yelling.
Being Sleepy and Lazy at that day is all about some health issues that I had over the last year, the pain over my body, the fatigue and tiredness, and the inability to focus, this feeling of powerlessness dive me into a real depression. Every time I went to doctors, all my check-ups were so good, lately, It appeared that I have a deficiency in Vitamin D, It's 13 and it has to be between 20 nanograms/milliliter to 50 ng/mL.
I was listening to a podcast between Debbie Millman and Brene Brown and they were talking about pain, this wounds that we carry from our childhood and form all our insecurities, Brene said that there are three ways to deal with pain, the first, to ignore it, but your body will crash at some point which you can't ignore it anymore. Second is to turn your pain on others, which we see the most in our lives today. And the third is to own it and go through it which means that you have to define your pain to feel powerful enough and ready to go.
I think the turning on others is the easiest choice and the most powerless one. And I choose all the time between the first and the third, but every time I ignore the pain I crash and turns to own it. Because waking up early on Friday doesn't prevent taking a long nap through the day when I feel the tiredness.
I look through the window to find a very big purple tree stands out over the street, the school students are going back home, and the satellites on the rooftops along the city, It's October when the fall and winter are coming, everything moves so quickly in a slow motion.
I missed a call from an old friend who is now living outside Egypt, I called her back with no response.
I'm being cruel to myself and telling her that If I had worked harder I would reach to more in my work, I'm wasting a lot of time, and when I see the scale of my work outside Egypt I find it too small.
Yes I'm from this generation who caught up the late nineties and grow up finding this revolution in politics, technology, and fast-growing knowledge about everything, the fear of missing makes me also misses a lot, the information everywhere and all that I have to do is just to pick it up. Everything is going too fast and I'm not as fast as the world is going, and running is all that I have to do and not taking any breaks between sprints.
But It doesn't work all the time, I know, You know.
I got a new call telling me a super good news about work, and It turned all the flowers on the purple tree to little birds in my heart flying. It was a perfect time, to just stop being cruel to myself.
My shoes are tight and press on my toes, my earrings pull my ears down, the smokes of cigarettes around me, but I don't smoke.
There's a silence here, time passes with the sound of a fan in the ceiling. why I write in English. I like the imperfections in things, people and myself but I seek for the perfect love and home, to take off my clothes easily and throw it away. This home is big and the sun comes from everywhere, very white with very high ceilings with no fans and silence there.
This voice in my head tells me to run run run. But I'm not sure if I can run with these tight shoes.
I woke up feeling excited about the day, there's nothing new other than going to work half an hour earlier, drink my coffee and get ready for the load of work I have. My work as a designer in digital advertising is all about creating designs that meet the client's needs. Although of that I like it. I like being a designer. I chose it. and I enjoy the creative part of it. Now, this work became mechanical and easy. and I don't like things get easy.
Easy things are not exciting and remember that I feel excited about the day.
So, I watched myself in the mirror and see how the jeans that I wear became tighter because through the last month I gained more than 5 kg and I feel terrible and want to disappear. and here comes the not easy part. how I will accept and embrace all these flaws.
From everyday streets, the uber rides, the taxi drivers, the traffic at 8 am in the morning, the restaurants that introduce lame food, the air that I can't breathe.
from shopping malls, and fake stories on Instagram, fake smiles in the pictures, relationships that don't last for long, friends who flee away, from the tweets that aren't retweeted, and Facebook comments where others stalk me, the job that I like and my body weight I watch every day on the scale.
The same song is repeated in weddings and parties, the new trends that people make laughs at. The love that isn't here.
I'm not sure of publishing this and showing how much I'm sad, bored, and vulnerable. Now I feel that I need to write this, write a lot and say a lot, I need my voice to get loud and express itself. I need this to tell you how bored I am.