I'm so tired, I was going to sleep without writing anything for today, I don't want to drop any day, and I feel that I'm stressing myself with this challenge, but I want to do it and I push myself to do it.
In 2013 it was the first time to think about getting pierced and I did, it wasn't trendy and spread like now, people kept asking me about it, is it hurting or not, where you did it, you weren't afraid to do so?!
It was in my nose and it didn't last for long as it fell while I was sleeping and closed, and I got pierced again and again and it wasn't lasting for a long time, someone asked me then why you did it, and my answer was " I found it interesting, I want to do something new, and I continued saying "I want to have my own authority on my body, the right to get pierced without any permission or approval from anybody."
Now I have a lot of piercings, in my nose, my ears, and my eyebrow which I was so nervous about it, I didn't think of doing it before but I had the idea popped out in my head and I did it, and I felt so happy after.
Two days ago I tried to remove the studs from my ears after a very long time, but I couldn't, and I felt that I really don't want to do that. I felt I'm guarded by all these studs that I'm putting, and if I remove or exchange any of them they will be lost or may I will do.
I look through the window to find a very big purple tree stands out over the street, the school students are going back home, and the satellites on the rooftops along the city, It's October when the fall and winter are coming, everything moves so quickly in a slow motion.
I missed a call from an old friend who is now living outside Egypt, I called her back with no response.
I'm being cruel to myself and telling her that If I had worked harder I would reach to more in my work, I'm wasting a lot of time, and when I see the scale of my work outside Egypt I find it too small.
Yes I'm from this generation who caught up the late nineties and grow up finding this revolution in politics, technology, and fast-growing knowledge about everything, the fear of missing makes me also misses a lot, the information everywhere and all that I have to do is just to pick it up. Everything is going too fast and I'm not as fast as the world is going, and running is all that I have to do and not taking any breaks between sprints.
But It doesn't work all the time, I know, You know.
I got a new call telling me a super good news about work, and It turned all the flowers on the purple tree to little birds in my heart flying. It was a perfect time, to just stop being cruel to myself.
My shoes are tight and press on my toes, my earrings pull my ears down, the smokes of cigarettes around me, but I don't smoke.
There's a silence here, time passes with the sound of a fan in the ceiling. why I write in English. I like the imperfections in things, people and myself but I seek for the perfect love and home, to take off my clothes easily and throw it away. This home is big and the sun comes from everywhere, very white with very high ceilings with no fans and silence there.
This voice in my head tells me to run run run. But I'm not sure if I can run with these tight shoes.
I woke up feeling excited about the day, there's nothing new other than going to work half an hour earlier, drink my coffee and get ready for the load of work I have. My work as a designer in digital advertising is all about creating designs that meet the client's needs. Although of that I like it. I like being a designer. I chose it. and I enjoy the creative part of it. Now, this work became mechanical and easy. and I don't like things get easy.
Easy things are not exciting and remember that I feel excited about the day.
So, I watched myself in the mirror and see how the jeans that I wear became tighter because through the last month I gained more than 5 kg and I feel terrible and want to disappear. and here comes the not easy part. how I will accept and embrace all these flaws.
From everyday streets, the uber rides, the taxi drivers, the traffic at 8 am in the morning, the restaurants that introduce lame food, the air that I can't breathe.
from shopping malls, and fake stories on Instagram, fake smiles in the pictures, relationships that don't last for long, friends who flee away, from the tweets that aren't retweeted, and Facebook comments where others stalk me, the job that I like and my body weight I watch every day on the scale.
The same song is repeated in weddings and parties, the new trends that people make laughs at. The love that isn't here.
I'm not sure of publishing this and showing how much I'm sad, bored, and vulnerable. Now I feel that I need to write this, write a lot and say a lot, I need my voice to get loud and express itself. I need this to tell you how bored I am.