I find my soul in October

For three years now I participate in Inktober challenge, to draw every day with ink for the whole month of October. When I go through years, I find my drawings are changing in a very profound way. I love to express myself by drawing, I find my passion there, and It took me a very long time and struggle to just find my way on that, and drawing to me is the language that I can't talk, because sometimes I find talking is too hard.

What makes me stop drawing! I can't find what I need to say. I close my sketchbook and feel very disappointed, sad and overwhelmed. But there's no escape. I get back every time to find the courage. Yes, it's all about courage.

What I find interesting in Inktober that it's about words, it's about creating a meaning, narrative and tell the whole story from just one word. This relationship between words and illustration finds its way to my heart, I want to write this story but I don't find words, so I draw. But I still try to find the words.

Every time I get back to draw I find my soul again. Inktober helps me to find a very little time through the day, to open my sketchbook and start drawing in a very intuitive and impulsive way, and I find this very challenging and interesting if I think, that it's the same way that I want to express myself in the real life.

The purple tree

I look through the window to find a very big purple tree stands out over the street, the school students are going back home, and the satellites on the rooftops along the city, It's October when the fall and winter are coming, everything moves so quickly in a slow motion.

I missed a call from an old friend who is now living outside Egypt, I called her back with no response. 

I'm being cruel to myself and telling her that If I had worked harder I would reach to more in my work, I'm wasting a lot of time, and when I see the scale of my work outside Egypt I find it too small. 

Yes I'm from this generation who caught up the late nineties and grow up finding this revolution in politics, technology, and fast-growing knowledge about everything, the fear of missing makes me also misses a lot, the information everywhere and all that I have to do is just to pick it up. Everything is going too fast and I'm not as fast as the world is going, and running is all that I have to do and not taking any breaks between sprints.

But It doesn't work all the time, I know, You know.

I got a new call telling me a super good news about work, and It turned all the flowers on the purple tree to little birds in my heart flying. It was a perfect time, to just stop being cruel to myself.

Today is an exciting day

I woke up feeling excited about the day, there's nothing new other than going to work half an hour earlier, drink my coffee and get ready for the load of work I have. My work as a designer in digital advertising is all about creating designs that meet the client's needs. Although of that I like it. I like being a designer. I chose it. and I enjoy the creative part of it. Now, this work became mechanical and easy. and I don't like things get easy.

Easy things are not exciting and remember that I feel excited about the day.

So, I watched myself in the mirror and see how the jeans that I wear became tighter because through the last month I gained more than 5 kg and I feel terrible and want to disappear. and here comes the not easy part. how I will accept and embrace all these flaws.

I'm bored

From everyday streets, the uber rides, the taxi drivers, the traffic at 8 am in the morning, the restaurants that introduce lame food, the air that I can't breathe.

from shopping malls, and fake stories on Instagram, fake smiles in the pictures, relationships that don't last for long, friends who flee away, from the tweets that aren't retweeted, and Facebook comments where others stalk me, the job that I like and my body weight I watch every day on the scale.

The same song is repeated in weddings and parties, the new trends that people make laughs at. The love that isn't here.

I'm not sure of publishing this and showing how much I'm sad, bored, and vulnerable. Now I feel that I need to write this, write a lot and say a lot, I need my voice to get loud and express itself. I need this to tell you how bored I am.