About Friday

It's the weekend, I'm thinking in how I turned to be a morning person after being an owl for a long time in my life, to just wake up early in that day at 8:00 am. This silence, and this smell of being home which something I don't like that much.

There's a mosque in front of our building, Friday speech is being the most horrible time, the one who says it has a very bad voice with a very bad microphone and all that I'm hearing is just shouting and yelling. 

Being Sleepy and Lazy at that day is all about some health issues that I had over the last year, the pain over my body, the fatigue and tiredness, and the inability to focus, this feeling of powerlessness dive me into a real depression. Every time I went to doctors, all my check-ups were so good, lately, It appeared that I have a deficiency in Vitamin D, It's 13 and it has to be between 20 nanograms/milliliter to 50 ng/mL.

I was listening to a podcast between Debbie Millman and Brene Brown and they were talking about pain, this wounds that we carry from our childhood and form all our insecurities, Brene said that there are three ways to deal with pain, the first, to ignore it, but your body will crash at some point which you can't ignore it anymore. Second is to turn your pain on others, which we see the most in our lives today. And the third is to own it and go through it which means that you have to define your pain to feel powerful enough and ready to go.

I think the turning on others is the easiest choice and the most powerless one. And I choose all the time between the first and the third, but every time I ignore the pain I crash and turns to own it. Because waking up early on Friday doesn't prevent taking a long nap through the day when I feel the tiredness.

The purple tree

I look through the window to find a very big purple tree stands out over the street, the school students are going back home, and the satellites on the rooftops along the city, It's October when the fall and winter are coming, everything moves so quickly in a slow motion.

I missed a call from an old friend who is now living outside Egypt, I called her back with no response. 

I'm being cruel to myself and telling her that If I had worked harder I would reach to more in my work, I'm wasting a lot of time, and when I see the scale of my work outside Egypt I find it too small. 

Yes I'm from this generation who caught up the late nineties and grow up finding this revolution in politics, technology, and fast-growing knowledge about everything, the fear of missing makes me also misses a lot, the information everywhere and all that I have to do is just to pick it up. Everything is going too fast and I'm not as fast as the world is going, and running is all that I have to do and not taking any breaks between sprints.

But It doesn't work all the time, I know, You know.

I got a new call telling me a super good news about work, and It turned all the flowers on the purple tree to little birds in my heart flying. It was a perfect time, to just stop being cruel to myself.

My tight shoes

My shoes are tight and press on my toes, my earrings pull my ears down, the smokes of cigarettes around me, but I don't smoke.

There's a silence here, time passes with the sound of a fan in the ceiling. why I write in English. I like the imperfections in things, people and myself but I seek for the perfect love and home, to take off my clothes easily and throw it away. This home is big and the sun comes from everywhere, very white with very high ceilings with no fans and silence there.

This voice in my head tells me to run run run. But I'm not sure if I can run with these tight shoes.

أخذتني المدينة


أخذتني المدينة واحتوتني، رأيتها من أعلى ورأيتها من أسفل. عندما أخذتني دوامة الحزن والألم كان السير رفيقى. في المساء يتلقفني الطريق وقدماى تحملانني. سماء كئيبة ومظلمة، أبراج عالية، وفروع أشجار تسقط منها أوراقها. تسير السيارات في اتجاهي، تواجهني بأنوارها، لا أرى. الأضواء والظلام، أضواء العواميد على جانبي الطريق، أضواء السيارات التي تسير في اتجاهي، ظلام نفسي. في طريق الصعود على الكوبري كل شىء كان يحملني إلى السقوط، كلما خطوت خطوة إلى أعلى تراجعت مثلها، حتى استوت الأرض. لا أعلم كيف حدث ذلك ولكني انزلقت سريعا وسقطت سريعًا. يغيب الظلام، والسير في الطرقات التي لا يعرفك فيها أحد، تنظر إلى الوجوه المتربصة، يختل توازنك لأنك تخاف. الخوف ككلب ضال يخرج لك في عتمة الطريق. اليوم… أسير كثيرًا، السير في المدينة فعل إنساني، كالكلمة الطيبة وحب الأصدقاء. لا يضايقني صخبها وأنا أراها تحتويني وتطردني، تلعنني وألعنها في طابور التذاكر في المترو، على رصيف محطة السادات في الظهيرة، وفي ميدان العتبة حيث يقف الناس. يوم القيامة هنا، يوم القيامة: صوت وصورة. ولكن الله أمهلنا لنتدارك الأمر رفقًا بنا. اليوم رأيت كل شىء. ظهر النهار واضحًا. أشرقت الشمس من المشرق لا من المغرب، فعرفت أنه لازال لدي وقت للسير في المدينة.