I find my soul in October

For three years now I participate in Inktober challenge, to draw every day with ink for the whole month of October. When I go through years, I find my drawings are changing in a very profound way. I love to express myself by drawing, I find my passion there, and It took me a very long time and struggle to just find my way on that, and drawing to me is the language that I can't talk, because sometimes I find talking is too hard.

What makes me stop drawing! I can't find what I need to say. I close my sketchbook and feel very disappointed, sad and overwhelmed. But there's no escape. I get back every time to find the courage. Yes, it's all about courage.

What I find interesting in Inktober that it's about words, it's about creating a meaning, narrative and tell the whole story from just one word. This relationship between words and illustration finds its way to my heart, I want to write this story but I don't find words, so I draw. But I still try to find the words.

Every time I get back to draw I find my soul again. Inktober helps me to find a very little time through the day, to open my sketchbook and start drawing in a very intuitive and impulsive way, and I find this very challenging and interesting if I think, that it's the same way that I want to express myself in the real life.

What I want in life

In 2013 it was the first time to think about getting pierced and I did, it wasn't trendy and spread like now, people kept asking me about it, is it hurting or not, where you did it, you weren't afraid to do so?!

It was in my nose and it didn't last for long as it fell while I was sleeping and closed, and I got pierced again and again and it wasn't lasting for a long time, someone asked me then why you did it, and my answer was " I found it interesting, I want to do something new, and I continued saying "I want to have my own authority on my body, the right to get pierced without any permission or approval from anybody." 

Now I have a lot of piercings, in my nose, my ears, and my eyebrow which I was so nervous about it, I didn't think of doing it before but I had the idea popped out in my head and I did it, and I felt so happy after.

Two days ago I tried to remove the studs from my ears after a very long time, but I couldn't, and I felt that I really don't want to do that. I felt I'm guarded by all these studs that I'm putting, and if I remove or exchange any of them they will be lost or may I will do.

About Friday

It's the weekend, I'm thinking in how I turned to be a morning person after being an owl for a long time in my life, to just wake up early in that day at 8:00 am. This silence, and this smell of being home which something I don't like that much.

There's a mosque in front of our building, Friday speech is being the most horrible time, the one who says it has a very bad voice with a very bad microphone and all that I'm hearing is just shouting and yelling. 

Being Sleepy and Lazy at that day is all about some health issues that I had over the last year, the pain over my body, the fatigue and tiredness, and the inability to focus, this feeling of powerlessness dive me into a real depression. Every time I went to doctors, all my check-ups were so good, lately, It appeared that I have a deficiency in Vitamin D, It's 13 and it has to be between 20 nanograms/milliliter to 50 ng/mL.

I was listening to a podcast between Debbie Millman and Brene Brown and they were talking about pain, this wounds that we carry from our childhood and form all our insecurities, Brene said that there are three ways to deal with pain, the first, to ignore it, but your body will crash at some point which you can't ignore it anymore. Second is to turn your pain on others, which we see the most in our lives today. And the third is to own it and go through it which means that you have to define your pain to feel powerful enough and ready to go.

I think the turning on others is the easiest choice and the most powerless one. And I choose all the time between the first and the third, but every time I ignore the pain I crash and turns to own it. Because waking up early on Friday doesn't prevent taking a long nap through the day when I feel the tiredness.

The purple tree

I look through the window to find a very big purple tree stands out over the street, the school students are going back home, and the satellites on the rooftops along the city, It's October when the fall and winter are coming, everything moves so quickly in a slow motion.

I missed a call from an old friend who is now living outside Egypt, I called her back with no response. 

I'm being cruel to myself and telling her that If I had worked harder I would reach to more in my work, I'm wasting a lot of time, and when I see the scale of my work outside Egypt I find it too small. 

Yes I'm from this generation who caught up the late nineties and grow up finding this revolution in politics, technology, and fast-growing knowledge about everything, the fear of missing makes me also misses a lot, the information everywhere and all that I have to do is just to pick it up. Everything is going too fast and I'm not as fast as the world is going, and running is all that I have to do and not taking any breaks between sprints.

But It doesn't work all the time, I know, You know.

I got a new call telling me a super good news about work, and It turned all the flowers on the purple tree to little birds in my heart flying. It was a perfect time, to just stop being cruel to myself.

My tight shoes

My shoes are tight and press on my toes, my earrings pull my ears down, the smokes of cigarettes around me, but I don't smoke.

There's a silence here, time passes with the sound of a fan in the ceiling. why I write in English. I like the imperfections in things, people and myself but I seek for the perfect love and home, to take off my clothes easily and throw it away. This home is big and the sun comes from everywhere, very white with very high ceilings with no fans and silence there.

This voice in my head tells me to run run run. But I'm not sure if I can run with these tight shoes.